Issue 52

The Novelizer or The Novelator – he can’t make up his mind. 
Keith C. writes tie-in books and original fiction. He has gotten so good at fictionizing stories and events that he can produce a novelization of anything in no time flat. He has yet to figure out how to use this to fight crime. However, in spite of being out of shape because he sits at his desk all day, he gets out there with the team to do his darndest!
Bongo Drummer Boy
Chad P. is Bongo Drummer boy. One day, at practice, he fell so into the groove while playing that he found that, if he moved fast enough, he could get a bongo sound from any object. He leapt around banging on everyone and everything. Unfortunately, the people he bongofied—while they produced a lovely drum sound—often ended up in the hospital.
That day he learned that with great bongo-playing comes great responsibility. Chad vowed never to use his powers on his friends again and turned his new talent to fighting crime.
Weasel Bag
Struggling artist Sean O. was working late one night when he heard a disturbance. He stumbled out of his house to find a writhing bag abandoned on his front porch. Inside the bag were four super weasels.
Determined to help his friends clean up the city, Sean heads out each night to fight crime. When trouble looms, he reaches into his bag and pulls out a weasel. Sometimes this helps. Sometimes, not so much.
The Four Weasels in the bag are:
 Cheer Weasel – This rainbow weasel with a clown nose. When you pick it up by the tail and strike it against something, it elongates and makes a squeaky-noise. Whatever it strikes becomes happy and joyful. More useful on friends than enemies.
 Chill Weasel – This weasel is a rainbow of muted earth colors. It has black fur around its eyes that look like sunglasses. If you swing it by the tail, whatever it strikes becomes entirely mellow and cool. Too mellow to fight.
Angel Weasel – this hyperactive weasel used to be an angel, but it was transformed into a weasel by a curse. It still retains some of its angel powers, however, it adores standing on its head. Anyone who stands on their head is safe from its wrath.
Spice Weasel – this futuristic (Futurama) spice weasel is useful for knocking up your culinary dishes a notch. Not much use for crime fighting unless you can squeeze it in the enemies eyes or mouth.

Team? What Team? We’re Not On A Team? I Don’t Even Know These Guys!

Kamen Rider Tokyo   
Real name: Hayao Miyazaki the Second
Hayao Came to Champion City fleeing the destruction constantly rained upon Tokyo as he fought monsters and aliens there. He hoped by moving to spare his family.
His father, a mad anime genius, figured out how to transfer the power of many anime heroes into his son. This gives his son a eclectic hodge-podge assortment of anime attacks and powers. Including:
When he transforms the sky unzips and a giant cherry drops on his head and unfolds it to armor.  (This is from a real Kamen Rider show. We can’t make this stuff up!)
He has a Pokemon by the name of cherry. Cherry is a Cherubi.
He also have a giant robot Mecca that transforms out of his motorcycle, the Mach 7.
The Mecca is made of gundaleum (a rare anime element) and has a giant laser pizza cutter useful for cutting laser pizzas.
He also ate a devil fruit giving the power to turn into bubble gum…which turned out to be surprisingly useful.
He also learned the ancient ninja technique to multiply himself.
Also when he gets splashed with cool water he turned into female version of himself. (Hot water returns him to normal.)
His sword, when charge up can perform a energy move he called the caa mee haa mee haa. The bankai (super sword) allows him to access his super mode—but currently, he does not have the power to use this function.

The Lone Power Ranger 
A guy who moved to Champion City from Texas—because of the endless amount of desperadoes that were hunting him down to take revenge for his having put their relatives in jail. This caused trouble for his family.
He has two laser pistols that shoot silver laser beams.
He has a motorcycle which he calls by shouting: Hi, Ho, Place Random Element Here! He calls on a different element each time.
He also has the Lambda capsule, which allows him to transform into a 50 foot tall alien. He received this when he was accidentally killed by an outer space pizza boy who was delivering laser pizza to Dirk Steel (secret ruler of the Super Cluster…or some super cluster somewhere.) 
Sometimes, when finishing of finishes off a villain, he goes into the Lambda capsule mode and fires his gun…the size of the Lincoln Tunnel, which causes a lot more collateral damage here then it did in on the Texas plains.
The Lone Power Ranger has an assistant, a robot by the name of Lambda 7

Kamen rider Godzilla
 He's basically Godzilla if he could ride a motor cycle.

Kamen Rider White Witch  While the White Witch, a super powered being of dubious intent, never shows up, what these three folks have in common is that they all know the White Witch who appeared in the battle when the media first said they were a team.

What these four folks have in common is that they are all in a media shot of this battle together.

The White Witch is not actually on the team and doesn’t have any points spent on her. (Though the moderator is welcome to use her as a plot device or a villain, should the mood strike him. )

Super president! His power was born in a cosmic storm! Every molecule charged with might! Powers that enabled him to change his molecular structure to steel, to granite, or whatever the need requires. The great desire to serve his country in the cause of justice has brought James Norcross to the highest office in the land as SUPER PRESIDENT!
His secret identity is known only to his White House Chief of Staff and private chauffeur, Kato Mifune, older brother of Go Mifune, and to the district attorney of Champion City, Frank Scanlon. When danger threatens or duty calls, Frank ignites the unobtrusive super-high-powered searchlight atop the district attorney's office, and casts an image of the Great Seal of the United States against a convenient low hanging cloud. The image of the eagle, however, is wearing a mask, so no one realizes that it is the Great Seal of the United States. Also, this signaling system does not work that well during the daytime, or if the air is clear.
With the speed of powers born in a cosmic storm, whatever that means, and assuming he does not have any pressing duties addressing Congress, signing bills into law, negotiating with foreign powers, consulting with the Pentagon concerning foreign wars and police actions and humanitarian interventions, or giving press conferences, or administrating the immense regulatory bureaucracy of the United States, President Norcross leaps leapingly with jet-powered leaps into action as the masked vigilante Super President!
Instead of dispatching the Army or sending FBI Agents or T-Men or an atomic submarine or a NASA rocket or something, President Norcross somehow evades his secret service agents and the press and foreign spies watching him, stuffs the nuclear football containing the launch codes under his desk, and, using the trap door in the Oval Office to slide down the President Pole into the Presidental Cave, he dons a goofy looking helmet (which is pointless because he can turn his head to steel) a red and white uniform with an atom on the chest or maybe the planet Saturn, straps on his rocket belt (which is pointless because he has a flying limousine), and then gets into his flying limousine (which is pointless, because he has Airforce One), and races to the scene of the crime, and turns his body into steel or concrete or whatever the need requires, making himself immune to bullets and fists! Then he sort of stands there and orders the villains to surrender, because he has no attack powers, except for clouting the goons on the head or tripping them with his foot or something.
Lois Norcross, the spunky ace reporter and First Lady, his wife, is suspicious because the President is never around when Super President is around, and James must take careful measures not to let his secret identity be known, lest his effectiveness as a crime fighter be compromised, or criminals might threaten his family or something, and how could he protect them?

Captain Curling
No one escapes the slowly moving icy stones of justice!
As an athletic young janitor, Skip Roaringame saw his entirely family not only robbed and grievously insulted by one sporting-goods-themed villain after another – such as Sportsmaster, or the Baseball Furies, and the slippery and sinister Evil Luge, master of icy downhill speed –  but then these same villains also defeated his favorite baseball, football, soccer and synchronized swimming teams.
Vowing revenge, he went to the nearest sporting goods store, only to discover that all the good sporting goods themed weapons, such as boomerangs and lassos, had been claimed already, or were too expensive for him to buy. But, overlooked in a corner was a curling stone and broom made by the famous Sports Scientist Dr Xanthus Phastball.
That night, when his feeble but gentle Uncle Ben was bopped in the head by a golf ball sliced by the ruthless Golfing mercenary Duff Killigan, Skip managed to slid the heavy, oblate stone very slowly down the street toward the scofflaw, brushing away snow and irregularities in the surface in a dazzling display of broom flourishes. In a spectacular Hog Line hit and roll, the heavy yet oblate sliding stone bumped painfully into Duff Killigan’s ankle, raising a severe bruise. Duff Killigan was arrested by the police later that week.
Astonished by his success, and realizing his true calling in life, and armed with his convenient ice making machine in case of warm weather, Skip now patrols the mean streets of Champion City as … CAPTAIN CURLING!
To better protect his secret identity, Skip Roaringame removes his eyeglasses while battling crime, making everything blurry.

Barrelman
Song: Nana-nana-nana-nana-BARRELMAN!
After seeing jaywalkers and insolently double-parked scofflaws who are escape from a lax and corrupt legal system, and his mother's prize petunias trampled by an organized crime dog, billionaire playboy Lance Lucre sat and brooded on revenge, until a passing pickle vendor truck accidently threw a barrel through his window.
Taking this as a sign, and realizing the criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot, Lance decided to disguise himself as a barrel – the one thing all criminals are afraid of. Then, hiding innocuously in the shadows of pickle factories or beer parties or historical reproductions of powder magazines or anywhere else criminals are likely to gather, he learns what evil lurks in the hearts of barrels. And when the night is dark, and the slope is good, Lance Lucre enters his barrel and rolls down the mean streets and hillsides of Champion City as the dread and dreaded Barrelman, cylindrical wooden avenger of the night!  
His secret identity is known only to his faithful butler, Jeeves, and the three or four orphans he's adopted over the years as Barrel Boy, and maybe the District Attorney Scanlon knows by now, too, since the DA's daughter the librarian Barbara Scanlon occasionally dresses up in a silly pink barrel to fight crime on her own as Barrel Lass.

Fast Racer
Song:
Here he comes
Here comes Fast Racer
He moves quickly on wheels!
He moves quickly and he is surely speeding after someone!

And when the odds are against him
And there's dangerous work apace
You bet your life Fast Racer
With fastly race!

Go Fast Racer
Go Fast Racer
Go Fast Racer, Go!

Go Mifune of Racecar Motors, known in America as 'Fast' Racer. is a race car driver. He has no skill at detective work, martial arts, solving crimes, gunplay or pugilism. However, for some reason, his father 'Pops' Mifune equipped his son's car, the Mock Mach Macht Schnell, with retractable buzz saw blades, a periscope, rocket-skies, ejector seats, wall-climbing tires, hubcap waldos, a robot pigeon-camera, and jump-jacks which allow the car to make a weird sound effect and do acrobatic leaps through the air, all of which are completely useless, not to mention illegal and annoying in real races., and likewise would be of very little use fighting crime. Also, the windshield of his open-cockpit convertible is completely bulletproof, stopping all bullets fired from directly ahead, but not from above or behind or from either side.

But Fast Racer discovered annoying sports-themed villains, such as Snake Oiler and Evil Corvette, have corrupted the once-noble sport of Outrageous Vehicle Superhighway Race Car racing, and with bribery and mayhem fixed the outcome of races. Therefore, together with his mechanic, his mother, his father, his girlfriend, his little brother, and a freakish chimpanzee dressed like his brother, Fast Racer has come to Champion City to fight crime, hoping by sheer dumb luck to catch the crooks responsible for fixing races back in Japan. Either that, or he just came here to get away from Godzilla and all the Tokyo Monsters trampling and destroying the city.  Of course he has no idea how to fight crime using a tricked out racecar, unless he can get the villain to sit in the ejector seat, or run him over in the crosswalk. Somewhere, his older brother, Kato Mifune, long lost and thought to be dead, has disguised himself as the White House Chief of Staff under the name Kato Mifune – precisely the last place anyone would look for him, and donned an outrageous Mexican Wrestling mask with a big X on it, and has also entered the Superhighway Race Car League of Outrageous Vehicles under the name Chauffeur X.  

Supermarket Santa
Voice: He knows when you are sleeping! He knows when you are awake! He knows when you've been bad or good! SO BEWARE MY POWER ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT!
Christopher Cringer is the supermarket employee who agreed to don the beard and belly pillow of Santa Claus this year, the same year his department manager decided to start putting up Christmas Decorations in January. All the other store employees were too frightened to face an endless stream of greedy children, but Cringer was willing to volunteer. That night, as he sat in a sleigh simulator, it was levitated strangely in the air and whooshed to the far side of town. There he found a dying alien dressed in a red and white fur suit, Abin Santa, the Space Santa of Space Sector 2814.
With his dying words, Abin Santa explained: "I have examined the world for the person with the most Christmas Spirit! And you are he, Chris Cringer!"
"But who are you? WHAT are you?"
"Know this, youth! Your world is but one of countless millions who celebrate Christmas! Not only is it a great holiday, but most of our space economy depends on it! Besides, the Spectre sometimes gets real 'Old Testament' on worlds that don't keep Christmas!"
"Are you from Planet Oa at the center of the Universe?"
"Close. I am from planet Ho-Ho-Ho-A at the North Pole of the Universe! It is my dying wish that you take command of all the Santa Claus related duties in Space Sector 2814!"
"Excellent! Do you have a magic ring and magic lantern able to equip me with any tool, weapon, or super power I can envision for 24 hours, allowing me to fly to any of the many foreign planets now under my jurisdiction at speeds many times the speed of light?"
"No, sorry. I can give you one talking reindeer named Adolph. He's from Spica."
"Well, a flying reindeer is not so bad…"
"Talking, no flying. Other than that, you are on your own for equipment. And you are not taking over the entirety of Space Sector 2814 all at once. What are you, nuts? You think dying space people would just pick some random stranger on a pre-space-age planet and turn over endless power and infinite responsibilities to him?"
"Just the Milky Way, then?"
"Nope."
"Just the Orion Arm of the Galaxy, then?"
"Nope."
"Just this Solar System?"
"Kid, why don't we start on one neighborhood of Champion City, and you work your way up?"
"So … no magic ring to make me infinitely powerful? Not even a rocket belt?"
 "Super President got the last one."
"He has a flying limo!"
"So? Who says life is fair? Put a brick in your red bag and clout the ne'er-do-wells over the head."
"I'll get arrested!"
"Get real. Who would arrest Santa Claus?"

SHOJO SHAMAN and the B.A.C.K.U.P.S.

A TV somewhere is showing the news, as reported by Channel 5’s Linda Lane:

“And that’s the latest on the city’s newest villain, Perfidious Picasso and his band of Cutthroat Cubists.  …and on the superheroic side of things, we have a new group hitting the streets as well.  It looks like Shojo Shaman, Champion City’s very own Magical Girl, is running with, or possibly from, yet another new team.  And they’re making not just one, but several names for themselves, as they attempt to patrol for crime and battle evil in our fair city.

“The Champion City Trumpet  dubbed them the ‘Witless Wonders’ after that fiasco with the Post-It Pirates, a gang of supposedly hyper-intelligent criminals who left clues to figuring out their capers on sticky notes posted around town.  Our heroes unfortunately misinterpreted all the clues and went off on a wild goose chase across the length of the city, which resulted in some not insubstantial property damage and a mild riot as citizen fled the area, believing that the sky was falling.  (The Post-It Pirates were eventually apprehended by another new team, the Heroic Harrys, who figured out the clues in only a few minutes.  Heroic Harrys is made up of five fine fellows who don’t bother with secret identities, and coincidentally all happen to be named Harry:  Dresden, Potter, Seldon, Tasker, and Houdini.)

“Stanley Stanley Stanford, host of Heroic Voices, the super hero oriented talk show, called Shojo’s new band the ‘Shojo Shaman Stalkers,’ after their standard operating procedure of skulking along after that mystical maiden, waiting until a gang of miscreants is distracted by delivering a thorough beatdown on her, and then leaping out to ‘help,’ usually taking their enemies by surprise.

“They’ve been overheard to refer to themselves as either ‘We’re All Free This Tuesday, Right?” or “Would You All Please Stop Following Me Already?” depending on which team member was talking.

“But their official name in the Champion City Hero Registry is Shojo Shaman and the Beginners Anti Costumed Kooks & Universe Protection Society.  Which is quite a mouthful. 

“And here are a few details on the heroes themselves…

Shojo Shaman:       
Once she was just a normal girl, a daydreamer, wishing she had the power to do great things like Captain Amazing, Mr. Furious, or Man-Eating Cow.  And sometimes, if you’re lucky, wishes come true.  One day she found a magic tollbooth in her room, which turned her into a living cartoon.  Knowing that this was the chance she had hoped for, she set out to battle crime, right wrongs, aid the downtrodden, and stop super villains.  Along the way she found a magic wand which activated powers trapped in mystical cards.  And then a magic tiara with moon-related powers came her way.  Other magical-girl items and powers followed, one after the other, until eventually she reached a sort of critical mass of magic-juju and found that she no long needed to rely on the various wands and cards and stuffed animals of doom, but could merely shout random strings of words to get some rather astonishing magical effects.

She may not be the city’s most successful hero (she get’s beaten up quite a lot), nor the most powerful (but honestly, how’s a girl supposed to compete with undead robot dinosaurs, witches, wizards, and wielders of clothes pins?), and she’s certainly not the smartest (she does, one day, hope to pass the 9th grade.  Fifth time’s  the charm, right?  ..it’d probably help if she cracked a book once in awhile, or perhaps actually went to class, which she would love to do, if only people would stop committing crimes and threatening the city, and the world, and all that.  Stupid inconsiderate criminals.  Also, spending half your life concussed is probably not beneficial to the old intellect).  

She is, however, the city’s most persistent hero.  Back for her fifth season, and still going strong!  Or at least, still going! 

Graffiti Guru:         
Graffiti used to be one of the bad guys, a super villain who decorated the city with crude pictures and profane phrases, hoping to one day bring the city to its knees with the power of “Art”, or at least convince them to pay him to stop .  But then he encountered Shojo Shaman, and was laid low by her Rainbow Happy Fragrant Joyful Kitten Powerful Pink Healing Love Playful Heart Graceful Attack.  After he stopped seeing stars, inspired by the example of the young lady who had bested him, he turned over a new leaf and joined the ranks of the heroes, vowing to henceforth use his paint-based powers only for good, and never for evil. 

Bag Lady :              
No one knows her true name or origins… not even her, now that senility has set in.   But Bag Lady doesn’t let forgetfulness get in the way of stopping crime, as many a potential purse-snatcher or mugger has discovered to their woe.  She patrols the streets with her trusty shopping cart, which is full of all sorts of random junk, all of which looks like just so much garbage , but  much of which turns out occasionally to be useful…for throwing at people, if nothing else.  Also, being run over by a shopping cart full of junk hurts quite a lot. 

Chicken Little:        
He’s a chicken.  He’s little.  And he PROPHESIES THE DOOM OF THE WORLD.  Maybe it’s something in the voice… that terrible, shrill, panic-filled voice.  Perhaps it’s just that criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot.   Or maybe talking chickens just weird people out.  Whatever the reason, his dread battle cry (“The sky is falling!  The sky is falling!”) has been known to send criminals running for the hills or even cause them to faint from sheer terror.  Alas, as with any area-of-effect attack, there’s occasionally some collateral damage… the odd riot of stampeding civilians, infestations of raving of climate cultists, and the outlawing of light bulbs that actually work (‘cause that’ll keep the sky up).

The Flash                :              
Not the brightest bulb in the box, the Flash compensates by arming himself with the brightest bulb he can find.  Humble mall security by day, he’s a man with a truly massive maglight by night.  The Flash’s powers include the ability to bring sight to those stumbling in the dark of night, and to bestow blindness to his  foes  by the awesome luminescence of halogen.  Also, in a pinch, the maglight doubles as a decent club.  He’s a little concerned by the light bulb fallout caused by his team mate, and has laid in a good stock of effective light bulbs for his flashlight.

THE AWAY TEAM

Armed with laser-pointer-infused toy phasers, communicator-styled cell phones, and gadgety-looking gadgets, the Away Team is a group of out-of-work Star Trek extras who appeared in various episodes of the different series'.  With their colorful uniforms, and melodramatic bravado, the Away Team fights crime for the good of Champion City and the Federation!

Introducing… THE GLOBAL GRAPPLING ALL-STARS!

The cry and tears of tens upon tens of fans call out when one of Champion City’s most… colorful wrestling promotions goes bankrupt. But fear not, for three of the company’s brightest (and aging) stars have 
chosen not to leave their boots in the squared circle, but will instead put their talents to use serving the community!* Fighting heels, 
wearing costumes, how different can it be?

With the assistance of “Mean” Dean, the mustached master of the microphone, the All-Stars are here to bring the pain and bodyslam evil! So drink your milk kids and run for cover evil doers! Oooooh yeah!

*(Seriously, this does count as community service, right?)

Smash Samson: Nuclear Leg Drop and the Power of “Smashomania”.

“Manic Man” Jamie Wild: Flying Elbow Drop and Stylish Costumes!

Sergé the Colossal: The Chokeslam and Rhyming Games.

“Mean” Dean: Super Interviewing and Ring Announcing!

Secret Home Base: Average Joe’s Gym in Burns Industrial Park